


just for tonight//make this feel like home

by mollyelle



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-04-30 23:53:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5184464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollyelle/pseuds/mollyelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an innocent event leads to their first kiss, Harry and Louis agree to be “friends with benefits” while out on the road.  But these types of arrangements never seem to work out.  Do they?</p><p>Set during the OTRA stops in the UK and post-MITAM, heavily inspired by "Perfect” and "Home"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. just for tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline doesn’t strictly match up and there are no mentions of Briana. Obviously a work of fiction so I wanted to stay true to the personalities above all. Let me know if you like it and part 2 should be up shortly :)
> 
> rated m for sex and some language, ~10,000 words

The first time they kiss, it’s at a party and someone suggests they play spin the bottle. Louis rolls his eyes at the absurdity of it, but agrees to play anyway. He needs to blow off some steam. Touring is wearing him out, but he’s also stressed about the wide expanse of time in front of him once the album is released.

He’ll miss the schedule, always knowing where he’s going, what he’s doing next. He’ll miss sneaking off with Niall, playing pranks on security guards, managers, people who try to keep them corralled. He’ll miss Liam knocking at his door before the other two get out of bed, a football in his hand and a smile on his face.

But as the bottle slows and points toward the boy on the other side of the circle, he lets himself start to miss the one thing he’s been trying so hard not to.

Harry’s eyes immediately look apologetic and his shoulders slump just enough for Louis to note. Ever since management told them that they needed to interact more with the other boys in public, Harry has recoiled from Louis, as if it was his idea. And if Louis really thinks about it, of course he misses Harry. They’ve been on this incredible journey together and they used to share everything. But after they were told to keep their distance, Harry figured if he was going to act a certain way in public, that’s how he should act in private as well. Louis’ heart swells at how genuine Harry is and it breaks when he’s reminded that not everyone feels that way.

Yet, he can’t make all this complication known, not when it should be so simple, just two people at opposite ends of a bottle. So he smirks, tries to bring Harry back to a time when it was just the two of them and says, “What d’you say? Let’s give em a show.”

_This_ Harry knows how to do, so he leans forward on his hands and knees and Louis stretches out, holding Harry’s chin steady and kisses him, first just a quick peck, then lingering on his bottom lip and finally staying connected, the tip of his tongue briefly brushing Harry’s as they pull apart.

They move back to their positions, both a little dumbstruck and wanting, and suddenly Louis hears Liam groan, “Oh god, not this again.”

The rest of the circle laughs at the joke, knowing the media circus that follows HarryAndLouis, and Louis tries to calm his heart rate by laughing along and firing back, “Sod off, it’s a game. You want to be next, Payno?”

They all continue to laugh, Harry going next, kissing a girl one of Niall’s friends came with, and Louis doesn’t think twice about Harry’s polite smile after he kisses her. It is just a stupid game, but suddenly he feels freer than he has in months, and Harry looks more relaxed too. Maybe all they had needed was a little moment to break the ice.

…

After the party dwindles, the four of them head back to their hotel, retreating to separate bedrooms. Louis is exhausted as his pushes his pants to the floor and lifts his shirt over his head so he can sleep in just his boxers. He’s about to climb into bed when he hears a knock at the door. He assumes it’s Niall, probably still a bit drunk and wanting to ding dong ditch Harry and Liam’s rooms, so he’s half shouting “Nialler, not tonight” when he opens the door and sees Harry standing there just as he looked at the party, as if they’ve turned back the clock a few hours and their night is just beginning.

“Everything all right?” he asks curiously.

“I liked it.” The statement is simple and it doesn’t seem likely that Harry is going to elaborate, standing in the doorway in his black skinny jeans and slightly baggy button down, looking at Louis like he’s supposed to automatically understand the deeper meaning behind his words.

When Louis doesn’t respond, Harry leans against the doorframe. He isn’t shy or tentative around Louis anymore, and it’s almost like Louis is one of those girls Harry seduces just for a little fun.

Wait.

Is that what’s happening here?

Louis wants to know exactly what Harry’s confessing to so he crosses his arms and asks playfully, “What did you like about it?”

Harry licks his lips and he’s talking low, hoping to convince Louis (and maybe himself) that it’s because they’re in the hallway where anyone could hear and not because the flashbacks in his head are all he can think about.

“It was physical. You didn’t have to take care of me or build up to it. You just went for it.”

This conversation is giving Louis more butterflies than he is willing to admit. “Well technically, the bottle gods demanded it and I had to appease them. That’s the nature of the game, you know.”

Harry steps closer and they both feel hot with anticipation. “What if _I_ demand it?”

Louis’ eyes flick up. The way Harry is looking at him is driving him insane, and if he’s being honest, part of him has always wondered what it would be like if the rumors were true. If he and Harry were engaging in clandestine fucks under everyone’s noses, simultaneously flaunting and denying the truth.

“Just for tonight?” he offers.

He’s never wanted to be Harry’s boyfriend. He wants to make that clear. He doesn’t want to bring Harry flowers, or be responsible for his heart.

But Harry is stunning, that’s undeniable. And he’s confident, proud of his body, his smile, his talent for making girls fall to their knees. So when he confirms, “Just for tonight”, Louis tugs on his belt loop, closing the space between them, and it feels like they’re just picking up where they left off. Harry’s palms are flat against the door on either side of Louis’ shoulders and Louis loves the thrill of thinking about this ending with them getting caught. He knows it’s only for tonight, but ultimately, he decides to guide Harry inside, knowing that if Liam were the one to catch them, he’d never believe it was a one time thing.

After they have the door closed, Harry guides Louis into the room, bringing them to sit on the edge of the bed. He reaches over, gently coaxing Louis’ chin toward his face, the way Louis did to him earlier during the game. Louis’ eyes are transfixed on Harry’s perfect mouth and he can’t help the groan he releases when Harry mutters lowly, “Do it again.”

The first kiss is teasing as he places his hands on Harry’s thighs, but then he gives Harry what he wants, the physical. His tongue explores Harry’s mouth while his hands work the buttons open on his shirt and Louis has to remind himself that this is the first time they’ve ever done this, even though it doesn’t feel like that. It feels intense but familiar. Passionate, but safe. When he goes to help Harry shed his shirt, Harry gasps almost painfully and Louis sees why, but isn’t quite sure what to do about it, doesn’t know where they should go from here.

Harry’s eyes are still closed, but his hands are twisted in the bedsheets behind him, not grasping to Louis sweaty torso like they would be if he wanted them to be together.

“I’ll…ah, take care of it,” he breathes out, gingerly moving to sit up. Louis watches him make his way to the bathroom and shut the door, and as soon as he does, lays back on the bed to take care of himself through his boxers. He doesn’t have to think of much other than that he wants this and it feels good, so he comes after a few short moments and when he relaxes in the moments after his high, he turns and sees Harry standing in the open doorway of the bathroom, curiously watching him. He smirks and grabs his shirt from the floor near where Louis is laying on the bed and, in a move that would be bizarre for anyone other than Harry, kisses Louis’ temple and motions his head toward the door.

“Wouldn’t want anyone to think that little game was real, would we?”

Louis doesn’t know if he should ask Harry to stay or if he should cover himself up, so he just lets out a short confused laugh, and watches as Harry leaves almost as quickly as he arrived. He throws his head back, but before he can think too much about it, exhaustion takes over, and he drifts off.

…

The next morning, Louis wakes up confused. Whenever he sees interactions like this one between him and Harry on TV or even in his own life, they’ve never gone this well. One (or both) of the parties are in love with each other, one or both of the parties are ashamed, and either way, it’s awkward as hell for everyone.

But this situation feels different. Mostly he feels…content. He’d like to do it again because Harry practically oozes sex and is an amazing kisser, but he knows he’ll be fine if Harry decides this isn’t something he ever wants to do again. They’ll get by, they always do.

When he gets dressed and ready for the day, he opens his door and hears commotion coming from a few rooms down. He looks in and there’s a whole glam team there, getting them prepared for a few remote interviews before moving on to the next show. When he walks in the room, Niall is the one in the hot seat and Liam and Harry are sitting on the bed laughing and talking. Harry is the first one to notice him and his smile is a mile wide as he exclaims “Lou!” and bounds over to him, grapefruit in hand. “I saved it for you,” he says with a wink before heading back over to the bed to wait for his turn.

When their makeup is complete, Harry and Louis are paired in one room and Niall and Liam are in the next. The other two are getting mic’d up first so Louis figured this is as good a time as any to test the waters.

“So, uh, how are you today?”

“I’m great,” Harry beams, but doesn’t elaborate. He’s grinning at Louis though, so he’s assuming there’s no hard feelings, no regrets. Is Louis overthinking this? Could it really have been _that_ casual?

Before he has a chance to talk to Harry any further, a few people come in to give them mics and get them ready for the satellite interview. Harry flirts with the girl helping him out and Louis shrugs, turning his attention to the cameraman when he hears her ask Harry a question.

“You two usually do these together, right?”

“Nah, just for tonight.”

Louis whips his head to the side sharply, eliciting a frustrated sigh from the cameraman who is trying to center Louis’ head on a screen. Harry thanks the girl and then sits up straighter, looking at Louis and tapping his fingers underneath the other boy’s chin.

“Close your mouth, this isn’t that kind of recording,” Harry says with a wink.

…

When they’re finished with all their obligations for the day, Liam and Niall offer to go with their bodyguards to grab dinner. Louis and Harry head off to their separate rooms, but after a few minutes, Louis is bored, so he casually walks next door to Harry’s room where he hears “Just a second!” when he knocks.

Louis is rocking back and forth from his heels to the balls of his feet, although he can’t pinpoint why he’s so nervous. But when Harry opens the door, he stops in his tracks and his mouth hangs open just slightly.

Harry has only a towel wrapped around his waist and he’s shaking out his hair in an attempt to get it to dry.

“Honestly, what did I say about letting that mouth hang open?” he says with a smile, and it breaks Louis out of his trance. He laughs nervously in response and offers, “Yeah, well, I just couldn’t believe you would answer the door so indecently.”

Louis walks in and shuts the door behind him and Harry smirks.

“You like it when I’m indecent.”

Harry expects the statement to catch Louis off-guard. Their tryst was only supposed to be temporary, but Harry wants to leave Louis wondering. But Louis is ready for Harry, he saw how cheeky he was at the interview and he knows Harry wants more.

“Maybe,” Louis replies smirking back, “but I like it even more when I can do something about it.”

“And what d’you want to do?”

“This,” Louis responds with a light shove to Harry’s chest, making him fall gently onto the bed behind him, and watching as the towel comes undone around his waist, spreading open below him and Louis can already feel his body reacting from just _looking_ at Harry’s naked form.

He’s obviously seen Harry in various states of undress throughout their time as a band, from photoshoots to concert quick changes. But he’s never given himself the chance to really _look_ at Harry, and maybe that’s because he’s never felt such an active urge to. And if Harry’s nervous about the prospect of Louis seeing him on display like this, he certainly doesn’t act like it. Instead, he props himself up on his elbows, still managing to look boyish in spite of the situation, “Well, this just doesn’t seem fair.”

He doesn’t expect Louis to actually react to the statement. They only actively chose to kiss each other the night before, and Harry got the sense that “just for tonight” was a way for Louis to justify his actions without giving them meaning. But then, Louis quickly slips out of his jeans and tshirt, laying next to Harry on the bed and smiling up at him,

“Better?”

Harry’s eyes have gone dark and his cuteness seems to have subsided. Louis notices his eyes buzzing, not stopping in one place, just taking in all of Louis’ body beside him.

“Harry?” He tries to bring him back to reality. They’re on tour, they’re allowed to act wild, and this feels good. Louis doesn’t complicate it any further than that.

“I’m gonna touch myself, okay?”

Louis feels silly explaining his actions, but he doesn’t want Harry to be scared, to think he wants to push them any further than either of them is willing to go. He hears Harry whisper under his breath, “just for tonight” and he’s not sure if that’s meant for him, or if Harry’s reminding himself of something.

He’s done this type of thing before, but no one’s ever looked at him the way Harry is now. He looks like he wants to touch Louis, but is afraid, maybe of how Louis will react, maybe that he won’t feel as good as he thinks, but Louis doesn’t push him to move any closer, and soon the urgency to finish what he started takes over. He starts to stroke faster, more erratically and Harry takes in every response Louis has: every time his breath hitches, every moan he releases, every time the muscles in his thighs flinch.

Louis comes with a scream that is definitely louder than is appropriate for adjoining hotel rooms with friends they haven’t quite figured out how to admit this to. It was supposed to be a one time thing, but Louis feels it turning into something else, maybe just a way to have some fun, a guaranteed outlet for any sexual frustration either of them have while on the road. 

“Can I…” Harry starts to ask, motioning toward where his cock is straining to be touched and Louis nods vigorously. He wants to watch Harry come undone, as his long, skinny fingers move in a quick but focused rhythm. He closes his eyes, and feels his back arch when he knows he’s close. In the end, it’s Louis’ deep, labored breathing so close to his ear that pushes him over the edge, and he joins Louis in post-coital bliss embarrassingly quickly. He uses the towel beneath him to wipe down Louis’ body, and then his own, before folding it and tossing it to the floor.

“That better not hit my clothes,” Louis warns, eyes still closed, but smiling.

“Or what?” Harry challenges, and when Louis opens his eyes, he sees that boyish smile again, the one that makes his stomach go crazy.

Neither of them know what they’re supposed to do now. If Louis was his boyfriend, Harry would most likely toss his arm over Louis’ stomach and curl into his side for a peaceful nap.

“Hey Harry?”

Harry looks over at him curiously and waits for him to continue. Louis is scared, he wants to propose something, but he’s not sure how Harry will take it, not sure if it’s the best idea. But he goes for it anyway.

“What if we had like, some sort of arrangement?”

“Arrangement?”

“Yeah, like, I could take care of you when you needed it, and you could…do the same for me.”

Harry thinks for a moment, staring at the ceiling, and Louis feels like the seconds take hours to pass. Frantically, he offers, “Because…it feels good, yeah? And it’s not complicated, it’s you and me.”

It makes sense in his head. They’ve always been close, and they’ve clearly got good chemistry. So Harry smiles, and says, “Yeah, let’s give it a shot.” 

…

A few nights later, they play a show in Ireland and the crowd is electric. Niall’s come home and he’s hamming it up, jumping around and grabbing the Snapchat designated phone to take pictures with his bandmates. 

But the fans notice something else too. Harry and Louis are giving each other piggyback rides, playfully bantering and acting more like the best friends their fans first fell in love with. It’s a welcome sight, and one that makes them feel more united as a band than they have in a while.

When they come off stage, Louis wants to kiss Harry so badly he has to ball his hands into fists at his side to keep himself from grabbing the other boy and celebrating this amazing show.

But Harry doesn’t seem to have this problem. A group of Niall’s friends are crowded around and a girl is sidling up extremely close to Harry. He’s laughing, and then he turns to whisper something in her ear, and Louis watches as she slips her hand into his back pocket.

That night, he says he’s feeling a little under the weather when Niall suggests they all go out. He half hopes that Harry will offer to stay behind with him, but he only offers his condolences to Louis and departs with the group.

He gets back to his room and hops in the shower, ignoring the thoughts of Harry and that girl together, dancing and possibly more. He has no claim over Harry, no right to approve or disapprove of his actions, so instead he closes his eyes under the spray and imagines his hand is Harry’s, starting off slow but picking up speed. He tilts his head back as he gets closer and closer to the edge.

He pictures Harry’s face the time he watched him take care of himself and suddenly he loses control, harder than he ever has picturing any girl, even his ex-girlfriends.

And after he dries himself off, he falls asleep thinking of Harry lying naked next to him, all thoughts of the girl gone from his mind.

…

"Do you think Harry’s flirting has gotten out of control?”

Liam turns to him with the most perplexed look Louis has ever seen as he stops the car to let a girl cross the street. It’s an off day, so they’re going out shopping, a luxury they’ve missed since they’ve gotten famous, but it still comes with a price. Bodyguards are in cars in front of and behind them, but Louis’ statement is still the most bizarre thing about their current situation.

“Tommo, what are you on about? Flirting with who?”

“Well, with everyone. It’s just not very professional, that’s all.”

“Lou, we’re in a band, not at a board meeting. Who cares who Harry flirts with?”

Louis is silent. If he’s being honest with himself, he’s not sure why he cares. He was the one who suggested that he and Harry have a casual arrangement, but he has to admit that he hasn’t really been looking at girls that closely since he and Harry started…whatever it is they’re doing. Before he can think about it any further though, Liam asks a question that has him panicking.

“Are you jealous?”

He scoffs nervously, hoping Liam doesn’t notice, “Jealous of what, mate?”

Liam nods like he understands, and Louis is inexplicably holding his breath. Then he explains his theory.

“All the girls that are always hanging around Haz, but you deserve a bit of fun too. Tell you what, at the after party tomorrow, I’m gonna be your partner. You will not leave that party until you’ve got someone to go home with.” Liam sounds excited like he’s found a new mission in life, and Louis smiles, but inside, he knows he’s feeling something different, something he just can’t describe.

It’s dread.

…

The after party is insane. Liam has rented a DJ booth and keeps taking over to spin his own remixes, which of course everyone loves. Louis is somewhat glad Liam isn’t at his side as closely as he thought he would be. He thinks it comes off a little creepy to some girls.

At least, he’s pretty sure that’s why he’s glad. Certainly not because he’s really not that interested in talking to anyone except the person who just texted him.

_You look bloody miserable_

He looks up from his screen and across the room is Harry laughing with a few people he just met, but he’s also connecting with Louis, who instantly smiles back.

_Just waiting for my partner to finish blowing people’s minds with his beats_

_Partner? Who, Liam?_

Louis responds with a quick affirmation and figures he should at least grab a drink so he doesn’t read in the papers tomorrow about how sources say he was broody and off putting at his own party. But before he does, he checks his mobile one more time.

_Just for tonight?_

Suddenly all the blood rushes to his ears and he feels his heart beat a little bit faster. Before the interview, Harry could’ve been saying it just to say it, not even knowing the significance of the words. But here, Louis knows Harry chose to say them on purpose. And he still doesn’t know what that means.

He doesn’t have much time to think about it though, as he feels someone pressing on his shoulders and it turns out to be Niall catching himself as he jumps off the stage. He’s waggling his eyebrows suggestively at Louis and he knows he’s been caught.

“Just for tonight?? Which of these lovely ladies are we talking to?”

“Why would I be texting a girl I met at this party?”

This seems to genuinely stump Niall for a moment until he replies proudly, “Obviously because you’re going to have a little rendezvous and you don’t want us to bother you with a bunch of pesky questions.”

“Well, that’s clearly not working,” Louis suggests dryly.

“Oh Louis Louis Louis Louis,” Niall drones on, and Louis can’t help but laugh at how drunk he is. Niall has his arm around him like he’s going to pass on advice that’s been in his family for generations, but instead he says, “Liam told me it was his mission to find you a girl tonight. And that’s noble, but do you really trust Liam with that responsibility?”

“Should I not?” Louis asks, playing along.

“Hell no!” he shouts and a few partygoers turn their way. Louis waves to signal that everything is all right, and the guests shrug, turning back to their drinks and conversations.

“Let ol’ Nialler take you under his wing and find you a beaut.”

Louis wants to know what Niall has been drinking because he definitely wants some. He laughs, “I think I’ll just find my own beaut, if that’s all right.”

Niall shrugs and notices his drink is empty. “Suit yourself!” he calls, walking off toward the bar and leaving Louis with only his phone, where another message is waiting.

_Come outside._

Louis looks around for the door where they entered the club and spots it exactly across the room where Harry was just a few minutes ago. But now it’s just the group without Harry, so he walks toward the door faster than he’d like to admit. When he winds through the halls leading to the back entrance, he sees the doors and walks outside to find Harry leaning against a brick wall, idly scrolling through Twitter, clearly waiting for him.

“Jesus, I thought Niall was gonna talk to you forever.”

“Yes well, he’s very drunk and you know how chatty he gets when he’s…awake.”

They both laugh and then there’s those downcast, unsure eyes from Harry. Louis steps closer, backing Harry up against the wall and smiles confidently.

“Something you needed me for, Styles?”

All he can manage to breathe out is a quick “yeah” before he’s pulling Louis toward him, groaning as they crash together clumsily. Louis pulls away briefly to make sure Harry’s all right, but Harry’s hands are insistent as he pushes Louis back toward him, muttering, “Don’t you fucking stop.”

Louis can’t help but smile into the kiss, never having heard Harry beg before. Normally the girls are falling all over _him_ and he just has to let them know they’ve been chosen. But tonight there was potential for rejection. Louis could’ve put the phone away or ignored the text, and there would have been no reason for Harry to get upset. 

But they both know that was never an option.

Their kisses are frantic, closed mouthed and furious, and Louis moves away for a moment to mouth at Harry’s neck and Harry’s hands bunch up Louis’ shirt at his lower back in response. Louis begins to kiss lower and lower until he finds himself on his knees, staring up at Harry, both of them at a new impasse.

Harry is scared and his mind is clouded with desire and he doesn’t know what to do or say. But he told Louis not to stop, and truth be told, he doesn’t want him to. But he also doesn’t want to push Louis away again. He’s lost him once, he doesn’t think he could handle it again.

“Do you want to…” And he stops. He doesn’t sleep with every girl he meets like the tabloids would have people believe, but with the girls he chooses to be with, there’s no question what they want. But this is his best friend, the person who’s never wanted anything like this from him before. What if he decides this is where the line is?

But Louis’ thoughts don’t seem to be hedging on scared or hesitant because suddenly he breathes out, “Yeah, I mean…you want me to?”

They’ve never touched each other like this before. Since they started this they’ve made out, been shirtless, taken care of themselves while the other watched, but never this. This could change everything.

“Just for tonight?” Harry whines, and it brings some levity to the situation and Louis smiles. He trusts Harry, trusts that this is just what they set out for it to be. Physical and intense, everything they’ve dreamed of but haven’t yet found the person it matches to.

Louis focuses on the button and zipper on Harry’s jeans, his hands shaking with uncertainty and nerves. Harry has his head leaned back against the brick of the club’s exterior and he’s taking sharp, almost panting breaths. When Louis guides his jeans down to around his knees, he’s surprised to see that there’s nothing between them anymore and Harry’s breath hitches feeling the cool night air hit his most sensitive area.

“That for me?” Louis teases.

“You assume too much, Tommo. You’ve seen the way my pants fit.”

Louis’ eyebrows raise a little and he hums in agreement. Finally he grips the back of one of Harry’s thighs and licks tentatively at the underside of his length. Harry’s hands instinctively shoot out to grip any form of Louis’ hair that he can and Louis feels good about the encouragement. He slides forward, capturing most of Harry’s cock and just doing what he knows feels good. It’s a strange sensation, being on the giving end of this, but not necessarily strange in a bad way. Harry is watching him and the sounds he’s making are sending electricity through Louis’ veins and when Harry’s cock twitches in his mouth, he groans, knowing how good Harry feels.

It’s filthy and it’s raw and it’s everything Harry was looking for that first night.

“Lou, c'mere.”

Harry is frantic, waving his hands upward and Louis pulls off in a panic, thinking something is wrong. But then he watches Harry bend just a little, reaching for Louis’ pants and deftly undoing them when Louis stands up. He reaches inside Louis’ boxers and instantly begins stroking furiously. Louis’ torso folds, his head balancing precariously on Harry’s shoulder. It feels different, _so_ different, but so much better than any time he’s ever gotten himself off. It feels so good that he almost forgets that he’s leaving Harry hanging, literally, but it’s a fact that Harry doesn’t seem to care too much about at the moment. Louis reaches over, Harry’s body still exposed and strokes once, twice before Harry’s coming, twisting his body so that the streaks smear the wall of the club, but don’t leave any incriminating evidence on the two of them.

His knees buckle a little but Harry is committed to getting Louis off. He’s so close, he can almost feel it, but then Harry bites down gently right behind his ear and whispers, “Come on babe” and that’s it, Louis is done for. Harry steps to the side allowing Louis to face the wall and catch his breath.

Louis can hear Harry zipping up his pants and straightening himself out and when he turns around, Harry is grinning.

“You all right, then?”

Louis just shakes his head and laughs, finding himself staring after Harry as he opens the door for them to go back inside. As they wind their way through the halls that will lead them back to the club, he wants to grab Harry’s hand, but he knows that might be crossing a line they can’t cross back. So instead, when they get to the door, he runs a hand down Harry’s back and Harry looks back at him, confused but smiling. But then, Louis reaches for the doorknob and their privacy becomes only a memory.

…

A couple of nights later, Louis is laying in bed, tossing and turning. He’s having a vivid dream, one that’s causing him to strain against the sheets and let out a few quiet whimpers. But then he hears it, clear as day, and it jars him, causing him to shoot straight up in bed, breathing heavily.

_Come on babe_

What’s Harry’s game here? “Babe” is probably nothing, it’s probably what he calls everyone because that’s Harry. He wants to make them feel loved and wanted, even if it’s not meant to last forever.

And this definitely isn’t meant to last forever.

But he can’t get the word out of his head, so before he can think any more, he’s standing at Harry’s door, knocking furiously. He feels ridiculous in his oversized sweatpants and tattered t-shirt but he just has to know.

When he opens the door, Louis feels his dick twitch involuntarily at the sight of him, and he mentally scolds himself for the reaction. That’s certainly not gonna make anything less confusing.

Before Harry can even blink, the question is out.

“Why did you say that thing?”

He looks puzzled but still half asleep as he rubs at his eyes, “What thing?”

Suddenly Louis is nervous and fidgety and can’t seem to get his words out, “You know, the other night when we…when you called me..” Harry still looks helplessly and adorably lost so Louis just sighs and spits it out, no matter how stupid he’ll sound now.

“Babe.”

He braces himself for the reaction, he doesn’t know how Harry is feeling, what he’s thinking. But then he looks up and sees Harry laughing.

“Oh Louis, it’s nothing! I call Niall that when he gets me a biscuit! I didn’t mean anything by it, honest.”

Louis feels…relief. That’s what he’s supposed to feel, right? But this feels different from any relief he’s ever felt before. Either way, he’s still standing in front of Harry in the middle of the night looking like an idiot because he freaked out about a word that Harry didn’t even remember using.

“Fuck, you had me scared to death,” Harry says with a nervous laugh, “but since that’s all cleared up, do you wanna come in?”

Louis hesitates for a moment. What will Liam and Niall say when they find out they slept in the same room?

It’s as if Harry can read his mind because he smiles, “We always bunk up, you can just say you saw a ghost in your room or something.”

Louis smiles back, “Okay, yeah. Just for tonight.”

“Just for tonight,” Harry confirms, making a sweeping motion to invite Louis in.

That night, they don’t kiss once. They share a bed and talk, and Harry falls asleep with his head on Louis’ shoulder, and Louis thinks, for the briefest of moments as he’s on the brink of sleep, this is what it could feel like to come home.

…

The tour is winding down, but that doesn’t stop them from giving every show their all. Harry and Louis are still being playful, squirting each other with silly string and dancing together. Louis knows the internet will jump all over this, that the blogs are going to go crazy, but he just doesn’t care.

He wants Harry. And he wants everyone to know it.

However, Harry is the only person who doesn’t seem to realize how he’s feeling. When they go into the dressing room, and Niall and Liam grab first dibs on showers, he waits. Harry sits in a chair, idly flipping through a magazine, smirking like he knows what’s on Louis’ mind.

When Niall and Liam emerge, they decide to go out, some club Jamie Lawson told them about, and Harry and Louis agree to join them after their showers. It’s Harry that enters the bathroom first, turning on the water and stripping off his shirt. Louis takes his chances a few moments later and stands leaning against the doorframe, taking in every lanky inch of Harry’s body. As if on cue, Harry turns around and smiles, “You coming in?”

Louis doesn’t think he’s ever gotten his clothes off faster. In the blink of an eye, he and Harry are standing together in the water. Harry is idly tracing Louis’ tattoos and when Louis kisses him, he sputters a little, choking on the water caught between the two of them.

“Christ, Lou, trying to kill me?”

Louis just laughs, kissing down Harry’s jaw, biting down on his collarbone before licking at the spot. He kisses Harry long and deep, pressing him against the shower wall, and simply replies, “Yes.”

Harry rises up from where he has been resting against the shower wall, their cocks brushing, the sensation causing Louis to bite down _hard_ where he’s been kissing Harry’s shoulder. If Louis wants to turn Harry’s lights out, he’s going to have to try way harder because the next thing Harry whispers puts him at the highest advantage.

“I want you to fuck me.”

There’s only the slightest hint of hesitation in Louis’ eyes. He wants to, there’s no doubt in his mind. He wants to hear Harry scream his name, wants to know what it feels like when he comes inside of Harry, but he doesn’t necessarily know how. And yet, they’re so connected that even through the haze of want and need, Harry understands.

“I can take it, I’ve done this before.”

It’s not the most reassuring statement right now. Louis has always known that Harry is very open when it comes to his sexuality, but that doesn’t really matter to him right now. All he wants is to feel like he’s the only person who’s ever made Harry feel this way.

“I’ll help you,” Harry breathes out, and Louis isn’t quite sure what that means until he watches Harry’s hands move behind him. He knows Louis has probably done this to himself before, but never to someone else. Louis is transfixed as he watches Harry’s face go from pleased to painful to completely turned on. He nods at Louis and gasps, “Use the water.”

He turns around to face the wall and Louis stares for a moment at Harry’s perfect ass, stretched out and waiting for him, and he realizes Harry means to use the water as lube. So he does as he’s told and when he feels like he’s ready, he hovers just on the edge of Harry’s opening.

“You sure?”

He only hums in response, but his head is furiously nodding. Louis has all the confidence he needs, so he presses in.

“God, fuck!” Harry screams and Louis’ first instinct is to pull out, but before he can, Harry has reached back, digging his nails into one of Louis’ thighs. “Don’t go anywhere, just…move slow.”

Louis nods even though he knows Harry isn’t looking at him. He does what he’s told, thrusts shallowly and starts to build a slow rhythm.

“Yeah, like that.” Harry’s words are slurring like he’s drunk, but the way his hands are clawing at the wall tells Louis he’s got to be doing something right. “You can…faster.”

He picks up speed, feeling more comfortable, his sense of autopilot taking over. Harry’s crying out now, and Louis can feel himself sinking in deeper, the friction sending shockwaves through his body.

“Oh God, Louis, touch me, please,” he rambles, and Louis’ hand instantly wraps around Harry’s dick, gliding smoothly under the spray. Harry throws his head back, thrusting back against Louis’ cock, his hair long and soaking on Louis’ shoulder.

Louis places his hand flat against the shower wall and slams in once and Harry is seeing stars. He places his hand on top of Louis’, a frantic request to move faster. He’s so close and when Louis shifts angles just slightly and moves faster still, he can’t take it anymore.

Harry’s whole body shakes and the convulsions cause his body to tighten around Louis, who’s coming soon after. He moves slowly out of Harry, who gasps at the loss, and shakes his hair out of his face and eyes. They were practically drowning, but that didn’t matter.

When Harry turns around, he isn’t that normally cocky boy with the smirk on his face and the light in his eyes. His eyes are hooded, raw, and he looks so completely and utterly fucked that Louis is half tempted to ask him if he’s ready for another round.

He compromises and grabs Harry’s waist, intending to kiss him again, when Harry emits a shaky laugh and pushes his hand away gently, “Don’t you dare touch me again.”

Louis laughs. He likes seeing Harry like this, vulnerable and funny. He quips, “That good, eh?”

Harry rolls his eyes, but his gaze lingers on Louis’ body. He shakes his head, “Clean up, you twat. We have an appearance to make.”

…

Not surprisingly, it’s Niall who notices the glow.

“Styles, you got some, you scoundrel! Between the show and the party? Is the lucky lady here?”

Louis is much better at evading these awkward conversations. Harry doesn’t know whether he should brag about an imaginary conquest, keep quiet, or admit everything. And tonight he’s feeling so good, he and Louis seem to be better than ever, he’s with his best friends, and he can’t help himself.

“What if it wasn’t a girl?”

Niall stops drinking and Harry can tell he’s slightly taken aback by Harry’s admission. But then he shrugs and amends his question, “The lucky lad then!”

“Yeah he’s here,” Harry offers.

“But I didn’t see you come in with anyone except…” Niall freezes and then Harry can tell he knows, and actually, he feels kind of relieved. He’s not ashamed of him and Louis, and if there’s anyone who should know, it’s probably the guys he spends all his time with. So he just smirks and shrugs and lets Niall fill in the blanks for himself.

The realization strikes him like lightning and he practically shouts his epiphany. “Oh my God. Lou. You’re sleeping with Lou.”

“Say it a little louder, I don’t think they heard you in the back,” Harry answers slyly, “And I’m not sleeping with him, it’s only happened once.”

Niall looks at Harry like he doesn’t believe a word that’s coming out of his mouth. Harry sighs playfully and laughs, “All right, sex and a blowjob. That’s it though.”

“Oh is that all?” Niall jokes, “Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, that’s for sure. So are you like dating then?”

The question stops Harry in his tracks. The easy answer is “no.” They’re not dating, they made a clear promise that it was just for fun, just a way to pique Harry’s curiosity. But Louis has encouraged it, and they’ve fallen into this dangerous habit that just feels too good to stop. In the end though, it’s not Harry’s call to make, not before he’s discussed it with Louis, which is something he’s absolutely terrified of doing.

“Nah, it’s not serious,” he answers and instantly he feels like a liar. But the answer seems to satisfy Niall, who grabs two drinks from a nearby waitress and hands one to Harry, who asks, “Are you mad?”

Niall shakes his head happily and raises his glass and says, “Of course not. Here’s to the two of you. You guys are my brothers, and while that metaphor is ruined slightly by the current situation, I still want the best for you. And honestly, it kinda makes sense.”

They drink, and all Harry wants to say is, “Yeah, I think so too.”

…

As their shows are winding down, and the separation anxiety is starting to become a little more real, Zayn calls and says he’s coming to England to visit some friends and wants to know if they could meet up for a while. In the interest of keeping the peace, Liam agrees for them and suggests they all go blow off some steam in a nearby park.

When they meet, Louis grabs the football from Niall and the two of them instantly run off together. Liam sighs and chases after them, leaving Harry and Zayn sitting on the side, watching them play.

Zayn is talking about LA, and Harry wants to be a good friend and pay attention, but he’s mesmerized by Louis’ smile as Liam blocks his shot on the makeshift goal, the way his calves flex when he runs. It’s like a slow motion movie and he doesn’t notice he’s even staring until he hears, “Oy! I’m not talking to myself over here.”

He shakes his head in an attempt to focus, “Sorry, what did I miss?”

Zayn laughs as he looks toward the pitch, “You are so madly in love with him, aren’t you?”

Harry could protest, but he doesn’t see the point. He thinks they still have Liam fooled, hell, he’s almost positive he still has _Louis_ fooled, but Zayn has always seen it. He tosses his hair to the side and responds with no hesitation, “Haven’t I always been?”

“Oh Hazza,” Zayn laments exasperatedly, “you are so fucked.”

“Yeah, that’s about all I am,” he mutters, and Zayn looks confused so he continues, “He doesn’t feel anything for me, we just get together when we feel like it, when it sounds good. And there shouldn’t be a problem with that, we made a deal that first night.“

"Deals can be broken, mate, even ones made with the best of intentions,” Zayn says quietly, and for a moment, they sit together, wishing they could have everything they used to have, the five of them just like this. Finally, he clears his throat and speaks again.

“Here’s the way I see it. You’ve kind of fucked yourself over with this one because, like it or not, you two were never meant to be the kind of friends who did this type of thing.”

“But I really thought I could do this, Zayn. I didn’t go into this thinking I’d trick him into loving me, I kissed him once of my own volition, and that was supposed to be it. I just wanted to feel it once, feel like he wanted me.”

“Harry, I know that. You're the best guy I know. But it can’t be like that with _him_ ,” he repeats again, “because he’s not your friend. He’s your soulmate. What that means for you, I don’t know.”

 _Soulmate._ Zayn said such a big word so casually, but it makes sense. Anyone with eyes could see that Harry’s soul was bound to Louis from the moment he met him.

“So what do I do now?”

“You want my honest opinion?” Zayn looks at him skeptically, like he’s about to deliver bad news, but Harry nods anyway.

“You should give him the chance.”

“To do what?” Harry asks. “Break my heart? Ruin our friendship?”

“To love you, Styles,” Zayn explains, slowly so he makes sure Harry’s really getting it, “to love you like you love him. Like you deserve to be loved.”

They sit silent for a few moments until they see the other three heading toward them. Harry groans, his head in his hands.

“God, I really am fucked, aren’t I?”

Zayn laughs sympathetically and puts his hand on Harry’s knee, “Absolutely.“

…

Later that night, Zayn texts and invites them out to get drinks, so Liam and Niall head over, leaving Louis and Harry to finish getting ready at the hotel. Harry’s normally ready to leave within five minutes, not wanting to spend too much time in one place, but tonight, he just can’t seem to get his look right. He keeps fidgeting with the collar on his jacket, styling his hair to one side and then the other.

Zayn’s words haven’t stopped running through his head.

_"You should give him the chance.”_

A few minutes later, Harry’s outside Louis’ door and when it opens, Louis smiles and lets him in. Harry feels his heart jump when he sees Louis’ bedhead and his disheveled clothing.

“Sorry, I fell asleep, I’ll be ready in just a few.”

“ ’s no problem,” Harry says casually, a complete contradiction of his heart thumping in his chest. He takes a deep breath and asks, while Louis is tending to something in his suitcase, “Hey Lou, can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course, what’s up?”

It comes out so quick, and once it’s out, it can’t be taken back. He took the chance, now he’s just banking on the chance that he’ll hear it back.

“I love you, Louis. I’m in love with you.”

He stops instantly, turns around to face Harry. He feels his defenses rising, this is not a conversation he had planned on having…maybe ever. He and Harry have such a good thing going, and yes, Louis can admit to a little jealousy, but he had convinced himself that was normal.

“Harry, this thing, it doesn’t have to have a meaning. It just…feels good, right? We agreed, just isolated incidents.”

Harry shakes his head, wishing he could get Louis inside of it, inside of his heart, “This has been my reality since the day I met you.”

Louis knows Harry’s heart is breaking, can see it in his eyes. But he feels lied to, he asked Harry for this to be temporary. It was obvious that it couldn’t be contained to one incident, but that didn’t mean forever. Did it?

“Then why did you come to kiss me? You knew this couldn’t happen.”

“I tried. That’s all I wanted because I knew that’s all you wanted. But I can’t fight it anymore. I stopped fighting it, said fuck it all to management. I can’t start again, Louis, that was the worst time of my life not talking to you.”

“We made a promise that we wouldn’t do this, that we wouldn’t want more than this. We _can’t_ want more than this.”

Harry’s eyes have gone soft and he looks like Louis has slapped him as he asks quietly, “Why?”

“Management would kill us, it could possibly ruin everything with Liam and Niall, and…I dunno, it’s what everyone expects,” Louis offers lamely. He hasn’t let himself have the luxury of thinking of Harry of anything other than the perfect arrangement. He doesn’t know if he wants more than that, and he can’t figure it out in this moment, not with the younger boy staring at him like he’s drowning.

“Who the fuck cares what everyone expects? You and me, we could be enough,” Harry offers one last fight, one last try to make him stay.

“Could we?” Louis wonders aloud, “Some things are bigger than us, Harry.” He reaches out to touch Harry, just a gentle reassurance on his arm because he doesn’t know what else to do. He wants to make him understand that love isn’t always enough, that they have more to think about than just the two of them. But Harry pulls away as if he’s been stung.

“Gonna stay in tonight,” he mumbles before heading to the door. As it shuts behind him, Louis collapses onto the bed, head in his hands.

…

He goes to the party. He doesn’t want anyone to worry, so he says that Harry isn’t feeling well and leaves it at that. But almost as soon as he gets there he realizes he won’t be able to stay.

It’s too loud and his mind is swimming with everything Harry said and Zayn is reminding him exactly why they reached their breaking point. All of his friends are “artists” and, while Louis is proud of the work he and the boys have done, he’s humble enough to recognize that they still have a long way to go. Zayn and his friends feel as if it’s the world that needs to catch up to _them._

He finally finds a way excuses himself from a conversation and heads to the bar where he spots Liam.

“Hey, I think I’m gonna get going pretty soon. Doesn’t really do it for me, this crowd.”

Liam laughs knowingly, “I hear that. I’ll head out with you if you want. Maybe do some writing?”

Louis doesn’t know if he can’t think straight enough to write songs the way they normally do, but he doesn’t want Liam to know that. So he agrees and Liam finishes the rest of his drink.

“Cool, let’s get out of here.”

They leave, Liam sending a quick text to Niall and Zayn letting them know that they’ve gone. Louis is quiet as a mouse as the driver pulls up to the hotel and their bodyguard makes sure they get to their floors without anyone spotting them.

Once they get to Liam’s room, Louis stops but Liam keeps walking, saying, “Just gonna check on Harry, make sure he doesn’t need anything.”

He doesn’t get the chance though because Harry is coming out of his door just as Liam is about to knock on it. Louis hesitantly follows, his heart in his stomach. Harry’s eyes look hollow, his shoulders slumped.

“Whoa, mate, you look awful. Anything we can get for you?”

Harry looks straight ahead at Liam, not acknowledging Louis’ presence in the slightest, “Nah, was just going to get a snack. I thought you guys would be gone all night.”

“Ah well, you know how Zayn’s friends are,” Liam says, seemingly unaware of the massive tension in the tiny hallway, “You want us to walk with you?”

A slight hint of alarm flashes across his face before returning to his lethargy and he shakes his head, “That’s all right. Thanks, Liam.”

“Of course,” Liam says with a quick clap on Harry’s shoulder, “Feel better.”

Liam pauses to let Harry and Louis say something to each other, but they can barely hold each other’s gaze. Harry quickly turns to walk down the hall and Liam gives Louis a pointed look that Louis ignores in favor of letting them into his room. He goes over to the couch in the room and grabs a pen and the closest pad of paper he can find, but then he looks up and notices Liam sitting on the edge of the bed staring at him.

“Harry’s not sick, is he?” Liam asks warily.

Louis sighs. Since everything appears to be coming to a head, he might as well admit to it. He shakes his head and Liam continues, “Then what’s going on, Lou? You two have been attached at the hip again for the past month, and tonight he won’t even look at you?”

It’s all come to a head, and it’s clear that things won’t be getting any better any time soon. So he decides to come clean, unaware that Niall has known for a while. For Louis, this is an admission of everything that has gone right for them, and now how it’s all going so terribly wrong.

“We’ve been…fooling around,” he starts and instantly scolds himself for characterizing it as foolish. Maybe it was since this is where it has gotten them, but it wasn’t meant to be this. It was meant to be sexy and fun, but not harmful.

Liam is slightly taken aback, but just as it was with Niall, the news isn’t entirely surprising. Harry and Louis have always been close, have always had something that no one could describe. “So did you have a fight or something?”

“I don’t know,” Louis replies, but then he realizes, “Yeah. We did. It’s over.”

For the first time, he’s admitting that’s what really happened. That can be the only solution. He shattered Harry’s heart when he didn’t say he loved him back. There’s no way Harry will ever want to touch him again after this, smile at him, kiss him. His heart hurts because he does care about Harry. He does love him. He just didn’t know what he was ready for, hadn’t given himself the chance to really think about it before Harry sprung his feelings on him.

Liam exhales, falls back on the bed, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing we’re about to go on break then. Give you two some time to sort this out.”

“I’ve been an idiot, but I’ll fix this. I promise,” Louis knows Harry should be hearing these words, not Liam, but it’s the best he can do right now.

“I hope so, Tommo. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted us to stay together, the four of us.”

“I know,” Louis says sadly, “Just don’t know where to go from here.”

“You have to decide what you want, I guess,” Liam says with a shrug. He doesn’t mean to be angry or disappointed with Louis, but he feels slightly helpless. If Harry and Louis can’t resolve this, what will that mean for them as a group? Liam hates the fact that Zayn left, even though he knows they’re all happier now. He’s not ready to let them go just yet.

And Louis knows that he and Harry have massively screwed things up with their arrangement. No one was meant to be hurt, but maybe it was inevitable that the two of them would end up hurting. But no matter what, Liam and Niall were never supposed to be part of the damage. They have a lot to fix, and right now, Louis is at a loss. All he can say for sure is that everything he thought he knew was completely and totally wrong.

…

In the morning, Louis finds himself curled up on the couch in Liam’s room, his eyes heavy with restless sleep. He couldn’t run the risk of going into the hall last night and seeing Harry again without a buffer between them. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say the next time he sees him, but he knows he needs to be gentle. Maybe he just won’t talk to him at all.

He gets up and notices Liam is nowhere to be found. But when he peeks his head out the door, he sees Liam, Niall and Harry all standing together, just casually talking. Niall is the first to spot him, waving happily and offering him a scone.

“Cheers, mate,” he says, taking the breakfast and avoiding Harry’s gaze. Harry is talking low and assuring Liam and Niall that he can still perform tonight, trying to pretend his voice is scratchy from possible illness. But Louis knows he’s been crying, he can see the emptiness in Harry’s eyes, the way his hand is shaking when he takes a sip from his tea.

Liam isn’t entirely sure what the best course of action is at this point, but he knows that Harry and Louis can’t just not talk for the last few days they have together. So, he asks Niall if he can borrow a jacket and the two of them head into Niall’s room. Harry is staring at Louis, but Louis doesn’t feel as if his stare means anything, he doesn’t think there’s anything Harry wants to say hiding behind it. Louis goes to grab his free hand, the one that isn’t holding his tea, and Harry jerks it away violently.

“Don’t you dare touch me again,” he spits out. Before, the statement was laced with love, proof that only Louis could drive Harry crazy the way he had. But now, Harry issues it as a threat, and Louis’ never seen Harry like this before. Of course he’s seen him angry, frustrated, stressed out, but this is different. The anger’s never been directed at Louis like this.

“Harry, what can I do?” Louis pleads, “I don’t want to hurt you, I was just surprised, caught off guard.”

“You were surprised that I loved you, Louis?” he scoffs.

“Loved?”

“You’ve made it pretty fucking clear that you don’t feel the same. So, let’s just get this over with, yeah? Then you don’t have to see me for ages. I’ll get over you by then.”

Louis doesn’t necessarily want Harry to get over him, he just needs some time to think. But he realizes Harry’s done thinking, and that he’s too late.

Liam pokes his head out tentatively, “About ready, lads?”

“Yeah, I’m finished here,” Harry replies, glaring straight ahead at Louis.

That night, the concert feels totally different. Every time, Louis begins to cross Harry’s path, he veers away. Harry doesn’t look at him once.

And when they sing “Infinity”, Harry sings harder than Louis has ever heard him sing before, and the audience loves it, can feel his passion. But Louis knows better. And all he feels is Harry’s heart shattering.

_**//end part 1** _


	2. make this feel like home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an innocent event leads to their first kiss, Harry and Louis agree to be “friends with benefits” while out on the road. But these types of arrangements never seem to work out. Do they?
> 
> Second part of a two part fic, set post-MITAM during the break, this chapter pretty obviously inspired by "Home"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, timeline issues as you will most definitely see, and again, no mentions of Briana. Thanks to everyone who has read and shown their support for my first Larry fic! Hopefully many more to come.
> 
> rated m for sex and some language

“You just don’t realize how free you can be until you’re just totally without everything that’s holding you back, y’know?”

The girl nods, wide-eyed, as if he’s said something revolutionary, instead of rambling like he’s off his face (which he most certainly is). She downs the rest of her drink and cuddles a little further into his side, nuzzling at his neck with her nose. He smiles and pulls away a little.

“That’s empty. We should definitely fix that.”

She holds out the glass, shaking it a little and he can still hear the tinkling of the ice against the glass despite the booming music in the club. The VIP room is a little quieter, more exclusive, and even though he came with a pretty large group of friends, they’re the only two there. He imagines they were courteous enough to give the two of them some space, and as he grabs her glass, he sets it down on the table in front of them.

“Or we could skip past the drinks if you want.”

Her eyes light up, and she nods, instantly leaning in. He’s not even sure he remembers her name, but that’s the great part about life now. He doesn't have to.  
…

It’s been three months.

Three months since he’s seen, heard from, or talked to Harry.

And he’s going mad.

Louis has tried everything these past three months. He feels slightly guilty saying this, but it wasn't as hard as he thought it would be when he first came home. There were so many people clamoring to see him, wanting to hang out, take him to dinner, catch up. He was pleasantly surprised about how genuine almost everyone seemed. Of course, there were the few who just wanted him to help them get a record deal or pay for their wild nights out. On these occasions, he would always reach for his phone to text Harry about how ridiculous people could be, how quickly they could change.

And then he would remember.

Now, everyone’s kind of settled down. They’re used to Louis being there and it will break their hearts once he has to leave again. But for the time being, he and the guys haven’t decided exactly when that will be. Liam is enjoying writing songs and creating remixes, Niall’s watching and playing way too much golf, and Harry...well, Harry has been having his share of fun. Louis doesn't need to be talking to him to know that.

Harry’s face is splashed over every tabloid with a new girl or guy every week. Since they went on hiatus, Harry has truly embraced his spirit of acceptance and parties with anyone that he thinks is attractive. Louis admits that the guys make him more jealous, and it’s not hard to figure out why. But that’s over now, and that was Louis’ call.

He’s tried everything to make his relationship with Harry okay again, but it’s been radio silence ever since Harry told him not to touch him again. He prays that that didn't mean forever, and honestly couldn't bear it if it did. Even when they were keeping their distance from each other, there was still the occasional hug or hand squeeze, just a simple way of saying _I’m here if you need me._

He’s been out walking, trying to clear his head and think up words or melodies for when they decide to make music again, but everything is a jumble that he just can’t seem to sort out. When he walks back into his mother’s house, Lottie is sitting on the couch waiting for him. She jumps up and grabs him by the shoulders as soon as he walks through the door.

“Enough of this moping. We’re going out.”

“What moping?”

“Lou, come on. Do you know how sad you look in the magazines juxtaposed with a picture of Harry drinking straight from a champagne bottle?”

“I don’t care what Harry does,” he mumbles, not caring that he sounds petty and defensive.

“I don’t care either, I care about what _you_ do,” she explains, “and what you do...is nothing.”

“Wow thanks,” he says with an eye roll.

“Come on,” she says, dragging the words out and pouting her lips, “You’re my big famous brother, I need you.”

“We both know that’s not true,” he says with a laugh, but he appreciates the ego boost all the same, “All right fine, where are we going?”

“Don’t worry about it,” she says, springing over to her phone that’s resting on the arm of the couch, “Just go put on something that’s...not that.”

He sighs and heads upstairs to change. He has one small concern about going out with Lottie, but he tries to ignore it, shoving it in the back of his brain. The chances of it happening are practically nonexistent, right?  
…

As soon as they make their way to their section of the club, Louis and the rest of the partygoers recognize the DJ. Liam waves and smiles at them and grabs the mic to announce their arrival. The people scream and wave and Louis waves back, happy to know he hasn’t been forgotten, but already missing his anonymity a bit. Lottie and the group she has brought with them turn to head into the room that’s separated by a curtain, and that’s when he sees him.

Louis stops dead in his tracks at the sight of the brunette whose arms is snaked around Harry’s waist, whispering something into his ear that makes him laugh politely. Louis knows he actually doesn't think the girl is funny or even that attractive. He can read Harry’s body language, his smile, and he knows this girl doesn't actually mean anything to Harry.

Or is that because that’s what he _wants_ to know?

“Hi Lou,” Harry says with a small wave, his head resting back against the booth. Louis wants to slap him for looking so smug, but he realizes he just doesn't have the right. So he gives a lame wave like a deer caught in the headlights, and turns to find Lottie. She’s standing right behind him, and he yanks her arm to the side, hissing under his breath, “What are the chances that Harry would be here, Lot?”

She rolls her eyes, “Okay, you caught me. I was looking through your phone and I saw you hadn't texted Harry in over three months! And I knew Liam would be DJing here tonight, so I thought it might be a good way for you to like get the old gang back together and shit, like remember how much you love them and miss them!”

“ _I_ am not the reason I haven’t talked to Harry in three months,” he affirms low, and he sees the understanding register in her eyes.

“What happened?” she glances back at Harry as if she can read it on his face. Louis just shakes his head and before she has time to press any further, he sees movement out of the corner of his eye. Suddenly, Liam is coming through the curtain into the room. His grin is wide, the onstage high not yet faded by the awkwardness of the scene. He hugs Harry who holds on a little tighter than Louis would expect and then comes over to where Louis is standing.

“Tommo! I didn't think she’d be able to get you out!”

“Yeah, well, I didn't exactly get the whole picture,” he shoots back and instantly feels guilty. Liam has probably put Harry and Louis’ drama out of his mind for a while and Louis knows he should’ve kept it that way and just been excited to see his friend.

He starts again, smiling sincerely, “I’m sorry, mate, happy to be here.”

Liam smiles, unfazed by the dark side of Louis’ mood, “Can’t wait for you to hear some of the new remixes of our tracks I’ve been working on. But first, drinks?”

Right away, Lottie volunteers her services and mouths “talk to him” at Louis as she introduces herself to Harry’s date and invites her to come along with her and Liam. Then, just like that, it’s just the two of them for the first time since they stood in that hallway.

Harry takes a big gulp of his drink and sits it back down on the table in front of him. He gets up and walks over to where Louis is standing and neither of them know what to say. All Louis can think about is how badly he wants to kiss him, and how utterly fucked up that is.

“You look great,” he offers, and even though Harry looks a little darker, a little rough around the edges, he does look great, dangerous even, which is not a way Louis would have ever described him before.

“Thanks, so do you,” Harry responds briefly, licking his lips, and Louis knows he probably tastes of gin, and it’s driving him crazy. He could handle when Harry was just a nonresponsive entity on the other side of the phone. But how could he think they could return to being just friends after what happened?

Because he was the one who wanted that. Or at least, that’s what he thought.

But now, standing in front of Harry, seeing what he’s like after Louis lost him, he truly feels the loss. He _wants_ Harry and he knows he’s never felt this way about anyone else. No matter what Harry wears, even when he acts like a child or a selfish brat, Louis loves him.

He’s still watching Harry as he turns to where Liam has reentered the room. He hands a beer to Louis and comes to stand with the two of them. Harry’s date isn’t with him, and Louis feels relieved.

“Where’s Niall?” he asks, and Liam responds with a laugh.

“Already gone, that Lothario. Said he could catch up with you anytime.”

Louis laughs and they ease into a comfortable conversation. That is, until _she_ returns and wraps her arms around Harry’s waist. He doesn’t look annoyed, but he does shoot a look at Louis, presumably to see if she’s producing any reaction.

“Louis, this is Christina. She’s a dancer.”

He wants to snap back _I bet she is_ , but he doesn’t want to come off _too_ snarky, so he offers a slightly less scathing alternative, “Fascinating, have I seen you dance anywhere?”

Liam shoots him a look and quickly changes the subject, “So, what about that lads holiday? We still in? I’m thinking yacht off the coast of Greece or something, we can cook, hang out, whatever. I miss you blokes.”

Louis and Harry nod politely, but the thought of being alone on a boat doesn’t exactly mesh well with how they’ve been leading their separate lives. But Liam’s riding on a high of attention and alcohol so he doesn’t really notice. He claps them both on the shoulders and then runs off, presumably to head back to the booth. Christina is still hanging off Harry’s arm and she seems bored and extremely tipsy. Harry turns to kiss her, opening his eyes slightly to gaze at Louis. Louis scoffs, “Have a good night, mate.”

Harry gives a noncommittal wave, and Louis goes back over to hang with Lottie and a few of her friends. He gets drunk much faster than he originally planned, but he can’t stop obsessing over Harry and Christina. So, he drinks and drinks until Lottie puts him in a cab and sends him home. When he gets to his bedroom, he lies down on the bed, and closes his eyes to keep the room from spinning, but all he can see is Harry. His hands all over her, his daring glances at Louis, which he’s convinced was an attempt to make him jealous.

He had almost forgotten about Harry, forgotten about the way his long fingers wrapped around his cock, the way his mouth drops open when he’s close, his boyish smile that made Louis think they weren’t serious. He knows now that that wasn’t true, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t fun for both of them while it lasted. And it feels good now as Louis lies alone in the dark, touching himself and thinking about the first time they fucked, and every time after, sneaking around so no one would know. 

One time in particular comes to mind. 

_They were almost finished with a show, about to change for their encore when Louis pulled Harry aside and gave him a subtle shake of the head to indicate that they weren’t going to change. Liam was about five feet away when he noticed the two of them falling behind, and he shouted, “Come on boys!”_

_“Nah, think I’m just gonna stay in this!” Louis called back and Harry nodded dumbly in agreement, not entirely sure what was happening. But he was entranced by Louis’ smirk, and so, he stayed to find out._

_When Liam shrugged and continued chasing after Niall, Louis pulled Harry behind the curtain and said into Harry’s ear as quietly as he could with the crowd roaring all around them, “Unbutton your pants.”_

_Harry’s eyes grew large, but he did as he was told, scrambling to pop the button and slide the zipper down on his almost-too-tight black jeans. When he went to look up at Louis for further instructions, the boy was almost already there, ready to kiss him and slide his hand into his pants. They laughed against each other’s mouths as Louis struggled to find an angle that worked, where he could create a motion that would drive Harry wild._

_“Jesus, there’s barely any room for me,” Louis teased, but truthfully, he was more amazed at how Harry managed to fit his impressive length in trousers that appeared to be made for a toddler._

_“Too big for you to handle?,” Harry breathed out with a grin. Louis just laughed, guiding Harry back against a case that normally held their stage equipment. Louis spit on to his hand to make the motion easier, and suddenly Harry was arching his hips to meet Louis’ strokes. Louis focused on his actions, afraid if he watched Harry too long, he might forget where they were, how quickly they had to do this before Liam and Niall returned._

_“So close, come on,” Louis encouraged and before he knew it, Harry was coming all over his hand, and a little on the edge of his shirt. Harry instantly looked apologetic, but Louis just smiled and kissed him deep one more time before running off and leaving Harry to clean himself up. He grabbed a random towel lying backstage, wiping things down quickly and burying the towel in a trash can. When he returned from behind the curtain, he saw Liam shouting, “Louis!” as Louis ran down to the area where they were supposed to have finished changing._

_When Louis returned a few moments later to join them, dressed in a brand new shirt, Liam gave an annoyed glance, but Louis just smiled and winked at them. Harry couldn’t help the grin that broke out on his face, and he couldn’t remember ever feeling happier._

Harry’s face in his head is so clear Louis could swear he’s right there with him as he comes, and instantly the exhaustion of the night takes him over. The last thing his mind flashes to is how Harry looked at him tonight, sexy and devious, and he thinks it would be just fine if Harry wants to look at him like that for the rest of his life.  
…

About a week later, Liam calls and tells Louis to pack his bags. They are meeting Niall and Harry in Greece, just as he previously suggested. When their car drops them off at the dock, Louis can make out three shapes as they head toward the boat and he turns to Liam.

“Who is that?”

“I have no idea,” Liam says slowly, lowering his sunglasses to try to get a better look. When they get a little closer, Niall follows Liam and Louis’ gaze to the mystery man and shrugs. Harry smiles, “Hiya. Liam, Louis, this is Nik. I met him at a party last week, and his family is from Greece, so he offered to show us around for a little while. I figured this party wasn’t exclusive, just as long as it was lads, right?””

Louis is seething, Harry knew they would have a problem with this, that it was supposed to be a bonding vacation for the four of them. But Liam hates controversy, and doesn’t want to cause a fuss, so he extends his hand and plasters on a fake smile, “Of course, mate. Welcome aboard.”

Louis just scoffs, brushing past with his bags and looking for the bedrooms so he can find one where he doesn’t have to share space. Harry can fuck whoever he wants, but he’d prefer if it wasn’t thrown in his face. He’s spent the last 3 months actively avoiding Harry and his newfound debauchery and he’d like to keep it that way.

Especially after the way he’s been feeling lately.

He hears a shuffling across the hall, and when he peeks out, he sees it. Magazines have been linking him to other boys for months, but no one’s managed to get a picture yet. But in a cruel twist of fate, Louis sees it for the first time with his own eyes. Harry has Nik pushed up against the door frame and they’re breathless, laughing and kissing quietly. Louis clears his throat loudly, and at least Nik has the decency to look embarrassed. He turns into the room he’s sharing with Harry and pretends to busy himself with his duffle bag. But Harry just smirks, does his best to look innocent rather than smug, but Louis sees right through it.

“Oh sorry, Lou, didn’t know you were down here.”

“Yeah, must’ve been someone else who came in first,” he shoots back, but nothing seems to affect Harry. Not Louis’ jealousy, nor his anger, and Louis feels a pang in his heart that he tries his best to ignore. Maybe Harry has really gotten over him.

And if that’s really the case, the timing couldn’t be any more cruel.  
…

It's early when Louis wakes up the next day, feeling claustrophobic. The boat is huge, but in order to fit four separate bedrooms, they are obviously lacking in some space. 

Last night, they had all just floated through the water, drinking on the deck and playing card games. After a while, Niall had grabbed his guitar and started fiddling around with some melodies and Harry and Nik sequestered themselves to one side of the boat, kissing and giggling like a couple of teenagers being left alone for the first time. It had clearly irritated all of them, but no one had said anything, not wanting to cause any trouble when they had isolated themselves from any form of escape.

Now, Louis makes a cup of tea and heads out to the front of the boat to watch the sunrise. From this angle, not even the driver can see him and he finally feels totally free.

The feeling doesn't last long though because, within a few minutes, he hears feet shuffling behind him and he turns to see Harry standing in the doorway, looking down at the ground until Louis clears his throat.

“Something I can help you with, mate?”

Harry relaxes against the doorframe, and this is more like the Harry that Louis has come to recognize over the past few months, but not the Harry he thought he knew. He has a cocksure grin as he remarks, “Well, Nik is still asleep, and I got bored.”

“I’m sure you could wake him up and find some way to entertain yourselves,” Louis remarks, turning back to the front of the boat.

“Yeah, that would be true if I was as over you as I thought.”

Louis knows the statement is meant to grab his attention, so he’s cursing himself as he turns back to where Harry was standing. Except now Harry has moved closer, and is standing just a few inches from Louis’ chair.

“You’re not over me, so you brought your boyfriend on this trip?”

“Louis,” Harry says with a condescending smirk, “Nik’s not my boyfriend. We’re just having fun. He doesn’t care what I do, and I sure as hell don’t care about him.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” Louis is trying to maintain his strength, but it’s getting more and more difficult with Harry standing so close to him, clearly flirting. Except before, their flirting was always playful. What’s happening now has a darkness to it, something Louis can’t quite recognize.

And then it hits him. This must’ve been the type of feeling Harry had when he came to Louis’ room that first night. Want, desire, _sex_.

He doesn’t even feel like he’s controlling his body as he pulls Harry to his lap, their lips crashing together clumsily. He puts both of his hands on the sides of Harry’s face and kisses him as hard as he can, and Harry responds by holding on to Louis’ shoulders for support. The force behind Louis’ kiss almost knocks him over, but he doesn’t want to take the time to stop. If they stop, they’ll think, and right now, that’s the furthest thing from either of their minds.

Harry never wants to stop kissing Louis like this, desperate and passionate, but just because he and Nik aren’t dating, it doesn’t mean he wants to be caught. He stands up, grabbing Louis’ wrist and leading them inside to Louis’ cabin. The space is cramped, but they don’t need much room. Louis lays down while Harry shuts the door, and the second the lock clicks, Harry is crawling on top of him, pulling Louis up so that they’re both in a sitting position. He kisses back with the same intensity Louis showed him as he deftly works the buttons of Louis’ shirt open and pushes it off of his body. Louis lifts off Harry’s shirt in return, and if he were willing to let himself feel nostalgic right now, he’d smile at the fact that the shirt Harry went to sleep in used to belong to him.

It turns Louis on to think that, even though Harry and Nik are sharing a bed that they most likely have fucked on, ultimately Harry goes to sleep with a memory of Louis on his body. They both know full well who Harry’s heart belongs to, who it has always belonged to.

Harry rolls off of Louis so that they can kick off their bottoms. Louis is already dressed for the day in a pair of dark blue trousers, but Harry is only clad in his loose fitting sweatpants, and it’s only when Harry is completely on display for him that Louis remembers just how beautiful Harry is naked.

“God you’re…” he starts, but Harry leans up and interrupts him with a kiss that feels like a warning. And when Harry pulls away and looks into his eyes, he knows that’s exactly what it is.

“Don’t,” Harry scolds him, “Don’t ruin this.”

It’s a perfect moment in time, where they can be together without having to think of anything or anyone else. It’s in this moment that Louis realizes that they won’t be lying together after this or talking about what it means. As far as Harry knows, Louis doesn’t love him, but he wants him, and he’s willing to give into it.

He’s learned that “just for tonight” always means just that. He and Louis aren’t special.

He leans over to reach into his sweatpants and finds what he’s searching for: a small container of lube and a condom. Louis thinks it’s pretty presumptuous of Harry to assume this would happen, but he’s also mesmerized as Harry rips the package open with his teeth. He knows what Harry is going to do next, but if they’re throwing all caution to the wind, he wants to make a big move. Something that will make Harry think that Louis actually does care about him.

“Let me,” Louis begs, and Harry’s eyes are wide, but willing. Louis helps Harry get prepared, and when he’s finished, Harry is stunned, but so hard that he has to stop thinking about what it’s going to feel like to finally be inside Louis, or he’s never going to actually get there.

Louis lays back on the bed, working himself open and Harry watches, enraptured by the scene. He’s had this dream so many times, gone over it so many times in his head that the fact that it’s happening right now doesn’t even seem real. He can only watch for so long, but soon, he has to touch or he knows he’ll go insane. So, when Louis starts to moan quietly, Harry knows they’re both ready.

“Get on your knees,” he breathes out, and Louis does as he’s told. Harry moves into position, and without warning, slams into Louis, who cries out, more in pain than in ecstasy, and Harry is instantly remorseful. He wanted to fuck Louis rough, to try to hurt him even a fraction as much as he's been hurt. But as soon as he watches Louis’ eyes squeeze shut, he knows he can’t do that. He’s not vindictive, he’s not out for revenge, he just needs Louis. But if he hurts him, neither of them will get what they need.

So he kisses at Louis’ shoulder as a form of apology, and he sees the muscles in Louis’ back relax. He wants to memorize all of this, trace the lines until he gets dizzy, but he knows he can’t. Not anymore. He only wishes he had taken the time to do that months ago, when he had himself convinced that their arrangement wouldn’t have an end.

He begins to thrust slowly, and he hears Louis’ sharp intake of breath in anticipation of what’s to come, but he’s hoping a more comfortable pace will put Louis’ fears at ease. It seems to work because soon Louis is pushing back against him, reaching back to hold Harry’s head next to his. Harry feels like his hips are on auto-pilot, and all he can think is how it feels so good to be inside Louis after dreaming of it for so long. It’s better than anything he could have ever imagined, until he wraps his hand around Louis’ cock and suddenly, he can’t feel anything else. He can’t remember a time when they weren’t together like this, and he doesn’t want to think of a time when they won’t be.

“Hey, it won’t…” Louis breathes out and Harry nods furiously. He knows Louis is saying it won’t be long, so he speeds up his movements and they come within seconds of each other, Louis folding in on himself and Harry wrapping his body around him. They’re both breathing heavily, and after Harry gets up and tosses the condom, he collapses on the bed, eyes closed. He doesn’t want to see Louis leaving, or see if there’s any regret in his eyes. But then he hears him.

“Oh fuck, I ruined the sheets.”

Harry cracks his eyes open and sees where Louis is looking at the stain on his pillow. He reaches over and tosses it toward the trash can without a second thought. They both laugh, and they realize they haven’t felt this relaxed with each other in ages.

And then reality hits.

“I should…” Harry trails off, occupies himself with gathering his clothes. Louis doesn’t know how to respond, so he just nods dumbly when Harry looks back. He throws on the sweatpants hurriedly, leaving behind Louis’ shirt as he clambers out the door. Louis throws his head back against his remaining pillow, and shuts his eyes, attempting to make sense of anything that occurred.

All he knows is that what just happened feels more like “just for tonight” than any other time they’ve been together. And instead of feeling relieved, he feels terrified.

...  
The next few days, they spend the time just lounging on the boat, eating way too much and napping late into the afternoon. If Harry is affected by what happened, he doesn’t show it, and it doesn’t leave Louis much of a choice other than to act the same. He’s sitting on the top deck having a beer with Liam and Niall, and from their position they can see down to where Harry is rubbing suntan lotion onto Nik’s back, the two of them laughing like they haven’t got a care in the world. 

Niall is good natured and can go with the flow pretty easily, but Louis knows that Liam is starting to get irritated with Harry and Nik. He was looking forward to a trip with just the four of them in the hopes that maybe it could bring them all close together again. And Louis can’t help but feels slightly responsible for Liam’s unhappiness, knowing that he’s the reason Harry is flaunting his fling in front of everyone. But Liam is also the nicest guy Louis has ever met, and he knows that Liam will never say anything to Harry, or Louis for that matter, about how hurt he is.

“You know, I’m all right if he hates me,” Louis offers with a small smile, and Liam smiles back.

“It’s not worth it, he doesn’t matter.”

“It’d be funny though,” Niall offers with a grin, and that’s all the encouragement Louis needs. He takes one more drink before heading down to the front of the yacht. Harry and Nik don’t seem to notice, so he calls out, “Oy Hazza!” and Harry looks up.

“Give me a minute, will ya?”

Harry kisses Nik on the cheek and hops up, jogging toward Louis, who leads the both of them inside. He looks mischievous, like he knows he’s in trouble, but he just doesn’t care. Louis can tolerate it for now, but he’s done with Harry acting like this around the people who have unconditionally had his back for years.

“You’re being a total prick, you know that, right?”

“What are you on about?” Harry asks, having the nerve to actually look annoyed at Louis.

“If you want to flaunt your boytoys all over the papers, that’s your business, but this holiday is supposed to be for us.”

“Oh,” Harry says, looking smug, and Louis is getting flustered and annoyed all at once, “Is Nik bothering you?”

“I haven’t had the opportunity to form an opinion on Nik. Your tongue has been down his throat for most of the time we’ve been on this boat.”

“Are you jealous?” Harry challenges, “Because my tongue has also been down _your_ throat, in case you’ve forgotten.”.

“God, Harry, it’s not about us. Liam was really looking forward to this trip, you know Niall loves when the four of us are together without anyone bothering us, and I…” Louis hesitates. How much does he really want Harry to know?

He wants to tell him everything, that he's not over Harry either, that he realizes he screwed up, but he can't bring himself to do it now. He doesn't want Harry to think it took Louis seeing him with another man to realize all this. Louis has known it for months, every single day that he's gone without a text message from Harry, he's been desperate for him. He wants Harry to know that jealousy isn't the cause of his want. It's love. So, he gives the excuse he came down the stairs armed with.

“I just want to see them happy, that’s all.”

“You sure about that?”

Harry won’t stop challenging him, won’t stop torturing him with the idea that this could somehow be about the two of them, whatever they had or were or maybe even still are. So, Louis does the only thing he can think of to give Harry what he wants so that he can focus on the bigger picture.

When Louis leans forward and they make contact, he can almost feel himself exhaling like he's releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding in. Harry releases a surprised “oomph” but gives into the kiss, instantly bringing his long fingers to curl themselves in the shaggy hair at the back of Louis’ neck. For a second, Louis forgets the point of his gesture. Harry’s been sitting out in the open air and Louis can taste the salt from the sea breeze on his lips. He runs his tongue along Harry’s bottom lip to taste all he can before he pulls away. When he does, Harry finds himself chasing the kiss, not even caring how desperate he’s got to look.

“There. Now that I've gotten what you think I want, can you ask him to leave? For the lads?”

Harry is still distracted when Louis starts speaking so by the time he gets to the end of his sentence, he's forgotten all about the fact that Nik even exists in this world, let alone on this boat.

“Hmm yeah sure,” he mumbles, “next time we dock.”

“Thank you,” Louis responds matter-of-factly, “but make sure he puts some of that stuff on you too. You're too pasty to be out in this sun unprotected.”

And with the quick quip, Louis is gone and Harry finds himself struggling to remember his plan at all.  
…

Nik leaves a couple of days later, saying something about going to see his parents, and they all appreciate the gesture, even Harry, although he won't let anyone know that. Louis notices that they don't kiss goodbye the way they kissed on the boat, but rather just two quick pecks on either cheek as harmless as a greeting between friends.

That night they all sit on the deck, drinking way too much. They reminisce about the old days and feel genuinely hopeful about what lies ahead for the four of them. It's been a long time since they've been together like this, and they realize that they will always be part of this family they've created. 

Somewhere around 2 a.m., Liam checks the time and his eyes go wide, “Can’t believe we’re still out here. Gonna head to the back, anyone coming?”

Niall raises a hand from where he’s laying his head on the table, and Liam laughs, helping him get up as he waves goodnight to Harry and Louis. The two of them watch the door to the cabin swing shut and then look back out at the sea, and the stars above them.

“Beautiful out here,” Harry offers, and Louis glances over at him, unable to stop staring once he’s started. Harry’s hair is pushed back by one of those ridiculous headbands he always wears and Louis can only see his profile, his sharp jawline a contrast to the blurry darkness all around them. He’s caught off guard when Harry turns to him, and speaks again quietly. 

“I'm sorry,” he offers quietly and Louis has to admit he doesn't know exactly what Harry’s apologizing for. 

“I assumed you were jealous of Nik because of...because of us,” he explains, “but you were telling the truth, you were asking him to leave for Liam and Niall, and um, that was really decent of you.”

“Thank you,” Louis offers sincerely.

They sit for a few minutes in silence. Louis knows he needs to tell Harry how he feels. Harry deserves so much for all the pain Louis has put him through. He needs to know that Louis has pining for him just as much as Harry has missed him. He hasn’t been feeling these things alone.

“Harry, I want...” Louis starts, and instantly Harry’s eyes light up. He feels the same pressure he did that night Harry came to him and told him everything. He’s scared, and doesn’t know how to say it right. But he tries.

“I want to do this, but I…I can’t right now. I just need…”

He sees Harry’s face fall again just like it did the first time.

“Time,” Harry spits out angrily, “Jesus, Louis, I've given you _months_. I've made a fool of myself for _you_! If you have to work this hard to love me, maybe I should accept that you just don't.”

Louis knows he shouldn’t, but he feels himself getting defensive, “Oh, you fucked all those people for _me_! What a sweetheart, to what do I owe the honor?”

Harry stands up and pushes his chair away, frustrated, “I was stumbling through life without you, do you get that?” He sounds pained, begging Louis to see his point. “My heart was so full because of you and then I had nothing. Those people were bodies, faces, they didn't matter! I only wanted you.”

“Then why didn't you call me, Harry? Why was it nothing but silence from you?”

“Because it didn’t exactly work for me when I told you the truth.”

Louis feels like he’s been punched in the gut, and he realizes he doesn’t have an answer to that. Harry’s right. Why is he so scared? He knows what he feels, and he knows that as soon as Harry left his life, nothing felt good anymore.

Harry just shakes his head, defeated, “I love you, Louis, but I can’t let you fuck with me anymore.”

He goes inside, and once again, Louis feels like they're right back where they started.  
…

It’s 11 in the morning when Liam raises his sunglasses and looks around.

“Hey, where’s Harry?”

Harry is normally one of the first awake, smiling and chirping about the day, so it’s strange to Liam that the hours are passing and they haven’t seen him. Louis cringes, knowing he’ll have to explain everything to Liam all over again. He had thought that the break would give them time to clear everything up, but it feels like things have gone nowhere. He starts to speak when suddenly, they both hear the door swing open behind them. Out walks Harry looking dressed like he’s going out, instead of lounging on a boat all day in the hot sun.

He’s wearing tight leather pants, and for a moment, Louis forgets the incidents of the past 24 hours. All he can do is stare and want, but Harry is distant, like he doesn’t even notice who he’s talking to.

“When do we stop next?”

Liam looks down at his phone and replies, “Couple of hours. You need something, mate?”

Harry shakes his head slowly, “Nah, just gonna meet up with an old friend, I think.”

Louis’ breath hitches, he knows what that means, knows what it means when Harry’s dressed like that. He’s on the prowl, it doesn’t matter whether it will be 1 p.m. or 1 a.m. Liam looks at him skeptically, but just says, “All right” and goes back to his phone. Harry turns to Louis, his eyes hard and challenging, before turning away. Louis watches as he uses the outside stairs to head up to the upper deck. He lays down on one of the lounge chairs, and Louis can only make out parts of his form, but he sees a stream of smoke rise up from where Harry’s head would be. 

All Louis wants more than anything in the world is to go up the stairs, share the joint with Harry, and lazily makeout as the calm, hazy feeling sets in. Harry would clamber on top of him, his jagged hipbones fitting perfectly into Louis’ hands, and they would rock together, the gentle movement of the boat relaxing them until they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

But that’s exactly the type of thing that’s gotten them into this mess. Louis can show Harry how much he wants him in a heartbeat, but he needs to tell him. More than that, he needs to tell everyone.  
...

The holiday ends just a few days after that, and the two of them put up a pretty good front in front of the other two. On that day, Harry left for a few hours, and Louis tries his hardest to put out of his mind the fact that he _knows_ Harry left to fuck Nik or one of his random friends. When Harry had returned, Louis killed him with kindness and Harry, caught off guard, seemed to warm to Louis, even if it was all just for show.

They say their goodbyes, and Louis flies home with Liam, talking his ear off the whole flight about song ideas and how he feels re-energized after the trip. Liam is confused, could’ve sworn something happened again between Harry and Louis, but if he knows, he doesn’t let on. He just takes Louis’ notes and offers to stop by his house soon to work on the material.

It's been a month and Louis swears he hasn't put down the pen in that whole time. For the remainder of their holiday, he was the perfect gentleman to Harry, trying to promise that he was worth the wait, that he'd get his act together. He writes everything he can think of that makes him think of Harry, words that he's said, things that he's felt for him. He even writes a part of the song from Harry's perspective about empty hearts and fears allayed with affirmations.

_Baby we could be enough_

Louis knows he's never felt as much love for anyone as he does for Harry, and he wants to be his home. He doesn't want Harry to be scared anymore. He wants to see the look in his eyes when they woke up together, when Harry came to his room and said “I liked it”, a statement with more power than Louis could ever have imagined.

He works tirelessly, runs the lyrics by Liam, the melody by Niall. It turns out that Liam knew, has always known, and he’s proud of Louis, but he wants to make one thing clear.

“This needs to be explicit, well, not like _that_...you know,” he explains and Louis laughs, “I just mean, you need to lay it all out, and when it’s all said and done, just respect what Harry feels. He’s given you a lot of chances, Lou. Show him you’re worth it.”

Both of the boys have agreed to help sing the song in front of Harry for the first time and Louis can't believe how lucky he is to have these boys in his life. He knows the idea must've taken some getting used to. If this works, he and Harry will be a couple now, and if it doesn’t, Louis doesn’t know how they’ll cope working together. They'll be completely on the outs.

But Liam just laughs as they're all sitting together and says, “I don't honestly think the adjustment to coupledom will be that difficult.”

And it feels better, makes Louis’ heart soar with hope.

This might actually turn out okay.  
...  
He's heard through the grapevine that Harry has been staying with Gemma for a little while, catching up in an attempt to hold on to the comforts of home for a little while longer. When Louis arrives, it’s raining hard, but he stands at her doorstep waiting for what feels like an eternity until she finally opens the door. When she sees it’s him, her face instantly contorts into a frown.

“What d’you want, Louis?”

“Gem, please, I just need to talk to him.”

“He doesn’t really want to talk right now, especially not to you.”

“I have something for him. Tell him I'm sorry, and ask him to come to this address,” he texts Gemma and Harry in a group chat and then turns back to her, “You can come too. If it makes him feel better.”

She doesn’t say anything, just stares at him, and he nods, starting to walk away. He’s a few feet away when she calls after him.

“If he comes,” she shouts over the rain, “will this be over?”

“Yeah,” he confirms confidently, “It will be.”

…  
He's soaked by the time he makes his way into the theater, but the sight before him instantly warms his heart.

Niall is tuning his guitar on the stage and Liam is going over the words with some of their friends that have offered to play the other instruments. When Louis walks in, they all look over and smile, and Liam jogs off the stage, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Is he coming?”

“Didn’t get a chance to talk to him,” Louis admits, “but I gotta believe, you know? It’s all I’ve got right now.”

“Think you’re gonna win this time,” Liam says with a wink, and then Louis follows his gaze over his shoulder. Standing at the back of the theatre is Harry, followed closely by Gemma. Louis walks up to him with a cautious smile.

“Hi.”

“Hello,” Harry offers tentatively. Louis acknowledges Gemma with a small wave, but she holds her hands up as a way of saying “leave me out of it.”

“Will you sit?”

Louis gestures toward the front of the stage where Liam and Niall are smiling at them, and this seems to relax Harry a little. He doesn’t want to fight with Louis in front of them, so he nods and follows Louis to a seat in the first row. When they get there, Louis hands reaches into his pocket and hands him a small folded piece of paper. When Harry opens it, he sees Louis unmistakable scrawl. Words are crossed out and replaced with other words, additions are made in the margins and at the top in big bold letters is written: “Home (for Harry)”.

When he looks up, Louis is standing on the stage, leaning into a microphone even though Harry is sitting right in front of him. He wants to make sure the sound echoes off every wall, to make it feel as much a part of Harry’s life as it is a part of his. He’s given all he’s got to this song.

When Louis speaks, he sounds unsure, scared even, and Harry can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips. He loves seeing Louis nervous, it’s so different from the confident songwriter and maybe even unofficial band leader that he normally is.

“So, this took some time. More time than you wanted, and for fuck’s sake, more time than I should've ever asked you for. I wrote this for you to say everything that it was hard for me to admit. But I’m not afraid anymore.”

Harry looks back down at the paper and sees where Louis has scrawled who is supposed to sing which parts of what he now knows is a song. And above two parts, he sees his name, and as he reads the words, he knows Louis understands what he’s been going through. He understands it because he’s been going through it too.

Then Niall starts to play the guitar and the rest of the music comes in and Liam sings first, and he takes over the parts designated for Harry as well. Louis stays silent for most of the first half and won’t meet Harry’s gaze. But then he says it, and they lock eyes.

_I’ll make this feel like home._

It’s a promise, it’s everything Harry’s been desperately wanting to hear, and it feels all the more special knowing Louis did it in his way, in a song.

_It was there, I saw it in your eyes._

Harry is beaming, and Louis is almost afraid he’s not going to be able to finish the song. But he knows the most important part is coming up, the part that he and Harry will sing to each other when they perform this song live for their fans for years to come.

_I’ll make this feel like home.  
Baby, we could be enough._

And they will be. They’ll be more than enough.

They always have been.


End file.
